Natural Hair Is Not For You If...

In April, I will celebrate one year since my last perm. The road is not well paved and it needs more signage but I am happy with this direction. I am often asked if it's been difficult going natural after 30 years of perms. Let's just say. My hair is healthier and thicker than it has been in years but this stuff is not for the faint of heart. If you're wavering about this decision, here are some factors to seriously or not so seriously.
Natural hair is not for you if:
~You already work 80 hrs or more a week. You have two jobs, you don't need another one.
~You don't have upper body strength. You must be able to hold your arms above your head for an hour to no-poo wash, leave-in condition, comb out, plow, and twist/plait/knot your natural do.
~You do not own a comb the size of a Camry.
~You don't own a pair of reading glasses. Natural hair care comes with more commandments than the book of Exodus. Thou shall not purchase products containing: isopropyl alcohol, mineral oil, petrolatum, chlorine, sodium lauryl sulfate, or anything remotely inexpensive.
~You think nothing is more sexy than wind blown --Mariah Carey-- hair. It will take a monsoon to move your shea buttered crown (but think of the money you'll save on hairspray and gel.)
~You really care what other people think about how you wear your hair. Yes, you'll get compliments eventually but, in the beginning, they will stare like you're an exhibit in the Louvre. And, even worse, they won't say a word. Just stare.
~You like bangs on any day but the Fourth of July.
I'm happy with my choice and I've had decades of weaves and perms (as seen below)that I will never regret. So don't hear me hatin', just hear me saying everything ain't for everybody!

Smooches,
mOe www.drmoeanderson.com

Quiet Desperation

I hate backseat drivers don't you? No matter how hard you try their annoying voices are always in the back of your head-literally. I have two adult children. They've transitioned from asking me "are we there yet?" over and over to asking "are you sure you can park here legally" over and over. Just as I did when they were toddlers, I ignore them and do what I must to accomplish my goal of that moment. So as we begin a shiny new year, my question for you is are you letting backseat drivers chart the course of your life? I had a rough 2011. That's why I didn't blog for 4 months. I had a major illness. I was in an incredibly stressful job. My oldest son got married. I published my fifth book and a guy threw me over a chair. (Yes, at a Janet Jackson concert and yes, he regrets it big time but that's another story.) But I just kept chugging along the same Indy 500 course because the back seat drivers in my life insisted I keep up appearances...Be strong. Be a role model. Cry alone. Don't take any risks in this unending recession. You're a motivational speaker what will people think if you are sad?
In the midst of that madness, I recalled a quote by psychologist, Harriet Lerner, "Most people prefer lives of quiet desperation, to the possible embarrassment of trying and failing to realize their heart's desire."
Quiet desperation is not caused by listening to the voices of your instinct, it is caused by listening to the voices at Happy Hour, in the break room, on television, or lying in bed next to you who say it's better to live in chronic spiritual agony doing something you hate than fail trying something you love.
I know thru experience that they are wrong. You cannot be purpose driven without purpose. How you make the change is up to you. I'm writing only to encourage you to boldly explore life beyond the leash of others' fears. No matter how far you've gone, I promise there is more available for you. There will always be back seat drivers, but you will always have the keys and the compass for your true destiny.
The only thing unchanged about the life-the "relatively" great life-I referenced in the second paragraph is my oldest son and his wife will celebrate their first anniversary next month. Oh, there is one more thing, I'm happy. I write better when I'm happy. :-)
Smooches and Happy 2012!

My Book Review of THE HELP by K. Stockett

Unlike some reviewers, fans, prognosticators, and haters, I actually read all 444-pages of the #1 New York Times best-selling book, “The Help,” by Kathyrn Stockett. "The Help" tells the story of relationships between black maids and their white employers during the height of the Civil Rights Movement. The fact that the author is white and was raised by her family’s African-American help in Jackson, Mississippi has been a source of more than a little controversy about the book and soon to be released movie of the same name.

Before I opine, you need a few facts about me. I am a multi-published novelist, avid reader, African-American, native Texan, cultural historian, repeated victim of racism/sexism/regionalism, a former Junior Leaguer, practicing dentist, and the granddaughter of not one but three strong Southern black women who lectured me on the ways of “white folks” from the time I learned to say “y’all” and “yes, ma’am.” So let’s just say I’m not particularly partial to an author just because I know how hard it is to write and publish a book. Nor, am I inclined to have a knee-jerk negative reaction because someone white employs black dialect to convey a third person point of view.

“The Help” is set in Greenwood, Mississippi in 1962. The main character, 23-year-old, Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan recently graduated from Ole Miss with dreams of becoming a famous journalist in New York. Her mother, Mrs. Charlotte, is disappointed that her daughter came home with a degree instead of an engagement ring. From Mrs. Charlotte’s Husband-Hunting guide we learn “Rule Number One: a pretty, petite girl should accentuate with makeup and good posture” as Skeeter is very plain and tall, her mother believes her only hope is hair gel and “a trust fund.”

The chasm between the attitudes of mother and daughter is filled with more than disparate views on marriage. For starters, Mama Phelan and no one else in town will provide curious Skeeter with a satisfactory explanation of the mysterious disappearance of Constantine, the maid who lovingly raised Skeeter and her brother. This dark secret is alluded to throughout the book by the maids Skeeter interviews when she decides to undertake the dangerous mission of writing a ground-breaking novel about the prevailing racial and class barriers from the perspective of the help.

As the novel opens, Skeeter lands a job writing a helpful domestic hints column for the local paper. Because she takes this assignment knowing nothing about cleaning or cooking, she must enlist the aid of veteran housekeeper Aibileen who works for Skeeter’s gal pal, Elizabeth. This unlikely alliance becomes a friendship as the inherited scales of prejudice fall from Skeeters naïve eyes during her intimate conversations with Aibileen. Though I found the book well-plotted and fast paced with wonderfully developed characters, you can kind of see where this is going.

Skeeter’s BFF is the nauseatingly racist president of the local Junior League, Hilly Holbrook. Hilly is pushing an initiative to make every white homeowner build a separate bathroom for the disease bearing, ignorant maids--who raise their children and cook their meals. The attitudes of the local white homeowners range from vocal endorsements of Medgar Evers assassination to stealth acts of kindness for a housekeeper who succumbs to illness.

I witnessed these confusing turns of behavior as a child accompanying my grandmothers. Once, I was too little to reach the recently “unmarked” but most definitely colored fountain in the square downtown. A white man I didn’t know kindly picked me up because my grandmother was carrying packages. Then, he asked my grandmother if she went to the same church as his nig--- farm hand. Another time, I was on the floor scrubbing as best as a six-year-old could, trying to help my stepfather’s mother with her domestic work for a wealthy family in East Texas. Her boss came home and told me I shouldn’t be doing that and he gave me a book to read while my grandmother scrubbed the toilets.

The geographic location and time period of the novel are skillfully woven into the scenes as both characters and foreboding theme music. Anyone vaguely familiar with the horrors of the Civil Rights Movement will, like me, find passages that give you pause, long pauses where I felt a familiar rage rise through my throat like lava hot bile. Other exchanges made me laugh so hard, I dropped the book and lost my page. The ending is very satisfying but perhaps a bit unrealistic like many novels, I suppose.

Folks, this is less Griffin’s “Black Like Me” and more “Memoirs of a Geisha” (written by a white male, Arthur Golden) in the sense that the author isn’t trying to represent the authentic “black experience.” Stockett is fictionally recounting her experience of learning that what we, as humans, have in common far outweighs our superficial class and cultural differences. And if some other non-blacks read this book long enough to wonder what it must be like to live in skin that speaks louder than one’s most eloquent, erudite words ever will, then that’s fine with me. “The Help” is a thought-provoking story that probably will not change the lingering vestiges of outrageous social injustice…but it helps.

You are invited to join Dr. mOe, soulciti and the Austin Black MBAs at a special preview screening of The Help on Monday, August 8th at 7:30pm at Regal Metropolitan 14.

©2011 Monica F. Anderson. All rights Reserved. www.drmOeanderson.com

I Believe I Can Fly!

My intro to hang gliding class on Saturday was the experience of a lifetime. You are not too old to sprout wings! I'd take a couple of Advil first, however. Carpe diem, Cougars!

M is for Martyr

This is my quick and dirty on suppression. No I don't mean oppression as in not being allowed to vote or get a formal education. Nor, do I mean repression as in memory inhibition like the unconscious exclusion of painful memories. I mean conscious suppression of your emotions, thoughts, and desires to make the people around you happy. Having suffered the grave consequences of being too truthful in a world that can't handle the truth very well, I've learned to be a bit more tactful in making my needs known. However, scientific studies (that I don't have handy because I'm on my thirty-minute lunch break) have proven that voicing your very human need to be valued is beneficial to your relationship. Like, if your boyfriend called you before 9 pm most days, the conversations would be much more pleasant for both of you.

Listen, you are going to be called a name anyway. Right? I say, be a "B" with a birthday present that you really like, rather than a "M"--for martyr with no gift. Remember the suffragette, Emily Wilding Davison? Of course you don't, bless her brave soul. She died for a good 'cause, but I'm suggesting you live out loud for a good cause. You'll be a better mom, wife, employee, and friend if you simply speak your mind instead of waiting for someone to read it.

The Alphabet of my Exes

Fortunately all my exes DON'T live in Texas 'cause I'm not so good at breaking up. What I do excel at; however, is gaining experiential wisdom from the loves of my life. Some were exceptionally good. Some were simply enlightening. And, all were useful in making me a gently-used-but-better-than-I-used-to-be human...in progress.

A- absence is bad.
B- breathing is an art form.
C- cuddling cures a bad day.
D- unlike a diamond, destiny is fluid.
E- exes don't need a eulogy everyday.
F- forgiveness propels you forward.
G- God is very detail oriented.
H- habit is a poor excuse for cheating.
I- imagination is a great way to travel.
J- real joy lasts beyond the morning after.
K- kindness in a kindred spirit is intoxicating.
L- lies are never little.
M- making good memories doesn't require a passport or money.
N- never is relative.
O- it's over & I'm out might be a gift.
P- choosing peace takes more courage than being "right."
Q- quiet is God's preferred way of elocution.
R- rain is a wonderful shower.
S- supernovas also occur on land.
T- two yellow flags equal stop your pursuit.
U- understanding.
V- vengeance is a waste of mental gasoline.
W- wait, then, wait some more.
X- x-ray vision is seeing a stranger's heart at first sight.
Y- you deserve happiness.
Z- Zen is achieved only when you love yourself enough to let it be.

What's Wrong With Being A Cougar?

The word “cougar” has traditionally referred to a powerful and graceful member of the Felidae family. Now, the definition has inexplicably changed from "big cat" to “aging sex kitten." This popular tendency to define self-reliant women by their sensuality instead of their success is just wrong.

If you disagree, show me ONE stereotypically unattractive or economically challenged woman who anyone refers to as a Cougar. See what I mean?

Nevertheless, there are more than a few reasons for women to embrace the comparison when the broader attributes of the actual animal are applied. Cougars, also known as mountain lions, pumas, American lions, and panthers, hunt day and night unlike related species who usually hunt in the dark. Cougars are not overly social; they are territorial. The female raises the cubs and teaches them to hunt. She is a cunning, intuitive, stalking predator that makes a distinctive sound when she roars.

What hard working woman of any age cannot relate to a female cougar's life, both personally and professionally?

Let's redefine the term "Cougar" to denote accomplished, vivacious, and unapologetically goal oriented women who are established but far from extinct. Unlike our feline counterparts, human Cougars are not born with these qualities; we are forged. And if younger men, or any men, like the results of our trials by fire, it is merely a pleasant side effect, not the intended result.

Community Engagement & Free Black History Month Program in Austin, Texas

Cougars understand that "to whom much is given...much is required" or, as I like to say, "You must pay the taxes on your title." After family, community service is my preferred way to pass it forward. Last year, I launched a community service initiative called Austin's Black Newcomers Association (ABNA), in my new hometown, Austin, Texas. The population of African-Americans in Austin has declined from a high of 15% to less than 7% in the past decade. ABNA's mission is to help newcomers quickly become engaged with the community, thus improving their quality of life. We started ABNA with a website portal that gives newcomers a comprehensive list of business resources and civic/cultural organizations at www.austinsblacknewcomers.org. On February 26, 2011, we are hosting the first of many culturally sensitive programs. This free event is a Black History Month Celebration, as well as, our Official Launch. Below is an article about our efforts that ran in Todo Magazine last week!

What are YOU doing to make your city a better place to live? Pay the taxes on your title and reap the dividends of a positive, happy community.

Ref: TODO Austin // FEB 2011 // TODOaustinonline.com p.07
Empowerment Experiment Founder Maggie Anderson to Speak at Black History Month Program

The Austin Black Newcomers Association (ABNA) is an organization which fosters community engagement by providing culturally sensitive programs and a network of supportive relationships for emerging leaders. Additionally, they offer a web directory of local organizations to enhance new Austin residents’ personal and professional lives.

The ABNA will celebrate Black History Month with a free program featuring a keynote speech by Margarita Anderson, co-founder of the Illinois-based Empowerment Experiment (EE). The event’s theme is “Still Dreaming: Sustaining the Black Community with Service and Activism.” The event will be held at the Lady Bird Auditorium at the LBJ Museum and Library on Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 1:00 p.m. Austin City Council Member Sheryl Cole is also scheduled to speak.

ABNA President and Founder Dr. Monica Anderson (no relation) says, “The mission of our organization is to motivate Austin’s new residents to become actively engaged in this vibrant and historic city that welcomes people of all ethnicities. This event is designed to acquaint everyone with our community service initiative and inspire them to get involved because one person or one family can make a difference.”

The title sponsor for the event is The University of Texas at Austin’s Division of Diversity and Community Engagement (DDCE). Maggie Anderson will also give an on-campus lecture to UT students during her tour visit to Austin at the invitation of Professor Juliet Walker. Other major sponsors are IBM and the National Black MBA (Association) Austin Chapter.

The event is free but attendees must register for a ticket online at http://abnaee-esli.eventbrite.com.
For more information about the event or the Austin Black Newcomers Association, please visit http://austinsblacknewcomers.org.

Cougarism of the Day

Do the people in your inner circle prop you up or tear you down? If they're not constructive, they are destructive. For peace and productivity, surround yourself with positive, encouraging people!

Just Give Up in 2011

I said it. Make sure you pronounce my name right when you repeat my advice. I prefer moe-nee-ka. Monica says, give up. Throw in the towel. Call it quits. Sayonara, Zetusubou-Sensei. Chunk up them deuces. Yes, dearest, Santa is not coming and for my last blog of 2010, I'm strongly suggesting you stop trying PERIOD.

Yes, give up right now. Why? Why would a mOe-tivational speaker, romance writer, single, southern, can't run fast, cook collard greens, or jump high black woman who has defied every odd placed in her path tell you to give up on your Xena: Warrior Princess-type quest to have that man, succeed at that enterprise, or write that book? Here's why. If three years, 3 loans, and 3 paragraphs haven't culminated in a firm commitment, a profitable quarter, or a full chapter, today is the day to do something, no, make that EVERYthing, differently.

By now, you should have exhausted possibilities to make it work. If you haven't, then, you're the one who is not committed so shut it down; quit wasting time and money. Or, if you keep starting and stopping because of obstacles being hurled at you from every direction like bowling pins, go back and learn to distinguish yellow from red. Yellow means proceed with caution. Everything going wrong, all the time, month after month, year after year means you are not on the right path. Enough with the detours. Don't go there. Quit. Quietly open your mind to the possibility that God is trying to tell you "No." You can't prove Him wrong. Believe me. I've tried.

Revolutionary leader, Simon Bolivar said a lot of jacked up stuff about Jesus that I categorically disagree with, but he also said, "I have plowed the sea." Are you plowing in fertile ground? If so, good luck with that because I truly want you to be successful. And sure, some dreams take years to come true. But if you're painting a masterpiece on cold bath water, drain the tub, Sugah. Don't give in completely, just give up on that particular venture. There is something or someone better for you just around the corner. You can't get to it by stubbornly crossing a bridge to nowhere. That's not brave or smart. It takes much more courage to admit failure and wisely begin again.

Do something completely different? Yes, you can.

Happy New Year, Cougars. Re-new. Re-You!

www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter.com ~ @drmoeanderson
© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Cougarism of the Day

When your ideas outweigh your energy, don't give up the dream; ask for help from people you trust. Thank God for friends...

Is It Time to Trim The Ends of Your Life?

When my first son was born, the pediatrician told me to carefully watch his fingernails. Apparently, the color and growth of the nail bed provides clues to a child's development. It's a bad sign if you never need to trim a baby's fingernails. I took that warning to heart and literally measured his nails to the mm every week, charting the results on a graph. By the time little brother came along, I wasn't quite so anal, but I still watched for signs of normal growth.

This concept doesn't just apply to babies, of course. Most growing things need to be reshaped occasionally. Trees need pruning and hair needs trimming to keep them healthy. So how about growing up? Is it possible we need to cut off some old habits, old haunts (hey, it's almost Halloween), or old heartaches that may be hindering our normal growth; our positive progression?

It's hard to move forward, carrying dead weight. And, honey, if it ain't living, it's dead. If he hasn't called in three weeks, the relationship is dead. If you haven't heard back from HR in 3 months, that job prospect is probably dead. Blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Patient doesn't mean paralyzed. Sure, maybe he is stuck in the world's longest traffic jam where there's no phone signal. Well, until he gets out of the twilight zone, you better live. Go to a festival. Go to church. Go to your friend's party and dance with her bushy eye-browed brother. Just move. Often a social investment, no matter how small, leads to personal growth. Cause the truth is when you're longing for something lost, moving before or after work takes all the strength you have. I know.

I also know you can't grow, it you don't trim away the false expectation that something dead is going to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of your past. Cut your losses and count your blessings. As Henry Ford once opined, "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”

Your move, Cougar.

Copyright 2010 Monica F. Anderson
www.drmOeanderson.com