Perpetual mOe-Tion

Quiet Desperation

2012-01-05T20:08:00.001-08:00

I hate backseat drivers don't you? No matter how hard you try their annoying voices are always in the back of your head-literally. I have two adult children. They've transitioned from asking me "are we there yet?" over and over to asking "are you sure you can park here legally" over and over. Just as I did when they were toddlers, I ignore them and do what I must to accomplish my goal of that moment. So as we begin a shiny new year, my question for you is are you letting backseat drivers chart the course of your life? I had a rough 2011. That's why I didn't blog for 4 months. I had a major illness. I was in an incredibly stressful job. My oldest son got married. I published my fifth book and a guy threw me over a chair. (Yes, at a Janet Jackson concert and yes, he regrets it big time but that's another story.) But I just kept chugging along the same Indy 500 course because the back seat drivers in my life insisted I keep up appearances...Be strong. Be a role model. Cry alone. Don't take any risks in this unending recession. You're a motivational speaker what will people think if you are sad?
In the midst of that madness, I recalled a quote by psychologist, Harriet Lerner, "Most people prefer lives of quiet desperation, to the possible embarrassment of trying and failing to realize their heart's desire."
Quiet desperation is not caused by listening to the voices of your instinct, it is caused by listening to the voices at Happy Hour, in the break room, on television, or lying in bed next to you who say it's better to live in chronic spiritual agony doing something you hate than fail trying something you love.
I know thru experience that they are wrong. You cannot be purpose driven without purpose. How you make the change is up to you. I'm writing only to encourage you to boldly explore life beyond the leash of others' fears. No matter how far you've gone, I promise there is more available for you. There will always be back seat drivers, but you will always have the keys and the compass for your true destiny.
The only thing unchanged about the life-the "relatively" great life-I referenced in the second paragraph is my oldest son and his wife will celebrate their first anniversary next month. Oh, there is one more thing, I'm happy. I write better when I'm happy. :-)
Smooches and Happy 2012!

My Book Review of THE HELP by K. Stockett

2011-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Unlike some reviewers, fans, prognosticators, and haters, I actually read all 444-pages of the #1 New York Times best-selling book, “The Help,” by Kathyrn Stockett. "The Help" tells the story of relationships between black maids and their white employers during the height of the Civil Rights Movement. The fact that the author is white and was raised by her family’s African-American help in Jackson, Mississippi has been a source of more than a little controversy about the book and soon to be released movie of the same name.

Before I opine, you need a few facts about me. I am a multi-published novelist, avid reader, African-American, native Texan, cultural historian, repeated victim of racism/sexism/regionalism, a former Junior Leaguer, practicing dentist, and the granddaughter of not one but three strong Southern black women who lectured me on the ways of “white folks” from the time I learned to say “y’all” and “yes, ma’am.” So let’s just say I’m not particularly partial to an author just because I know how hard it is to write and publish a book. Nor, am I inclined to have a knee-jerk negative reaction because someone white employs black dialect to convey a third person point of view.

“The Help” is set in Greenwood, Mississippi in 1962. The main character, 23-year-old, Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan recently graduated from Ole Miss with dreams of becoming a famous journalist in New York. Her mother, Mrs. Charlotte, is disappointed that her daughter came home with a degree instead of an engagement ring. From Mrs. Charlotte’s Husband-Hunting guide we learn “Rule Number One: a pretty, petite girl should accentuate with makeup and good posture” as Skeeter is very plain and tall, her mother believes her only hope is hair gel and “a trust fund.”

The chasm between the attitudes of mother and daughter is filled with more than disparate views on marriage. For starters, Mama Phelan and no one else in town will provide curious Skeeter with a satisfactory explanation of the mysterious disappearance of Constantine, the maid who lovingly raised Skeeter and her brother. This dark secret is alluded to throughout the book by the maids Skeeter interviews when she decides to undertake the dangerous mission of writing a ground-breaking novel about the prevailing racial and class barriers from the perspective of the help.

As the novel opens, Skeeter lands a job writing a helpful domestic hints column for the local paper. Because she takes this assignment knowing nothing about cleaning or cooking, she must enlist the aid of veteran housekeeper Aibileen who works for Skeeter’s gal pal, Elizabeth. This unlikely alliance becomes a friendship as the inherited scales of prejudice fall from Skeeters naïve eyes during her intimate conversations with Aibileen. Though I found the book well-plotted and fast paced with wonderfully developed characters, you can kind of see where this is going.

Skeeter’s BFF is the nauseatingly racist president of the local Junior League, Hilly Holbrook. Hilly is pushing an initiative to make every white homeowner build a separate bathroom for the disease bearing, ignorant maids--who raise their children and cook their meals. The attitudes of the local white homeowners range from vocal endorsements of Medgar Evers assassination to stealth acts of kindness for a housekeeper who succumbs to illness.

I witnessed these confusing turns of behavior as a child accompanying my grandmothers. Once, I was too little to reach the recently “unmarked” but most definitely colored fountain in the square downtown. A white man I didn’t know kindly picked me up because my grandmother was carrying packages. Then, he asked my grandmother if she went to the same church as his nig--- farm hand. Another time, I was on the floor scrubbing as best as a six-year-old could, trying to help my stepfather’s mother with her domestic work for a wealthy family in East Texas. Her boss came home and told me I shouldn’t be doing that and he gave me a book to read while my grandmother scrubbed the toilets.

The geographic location and time period of the novel are skillfully woven into the scenes as both characters and foreboding theme music. Anyone vaguely familiar with the horrors of the Civil Rights Movement will, like me, find passages that give you pause, long pauses where I felt a familiar rage rise through my throat like lava hot bile. Other exchanges made me laugh so hard, I dropped the book and lost my page. The ending is very satisfying but perhaps a bit unrealistic like many novels, I suppose.

Folks, this is less Griffin’s “Black Like Me” and more “Memoirs of a Geisha” (written by a white male, Arthur Golden) in the sense that the author isn’t trying to represent the authentic “black experience.” Stockett is fictionally recounting her experience of learning that what we, as humans, have in common far outweighs our superficial class and cultural differences. And if some other non-blacks read this book long enough to wonder what it must be like to live in skin that speaks louder than one’s most eloquent, erudite words ever will, then that’s fine with me. “The Help” is a thought-provoking story that probably will not change the lingering vestiges of outrageous social injustice…but it helps.

You are invited to join Dr. mOe, soulciti and the Austin Black MBAs at a special preview screening of The Help on Monday, August 8th at 7:30pm at Regal Metropolitan 14.

©2011 Monica F. Anderson. All rights Reserved. www.drmOeanderson.com

I Believe I Can Fly!

2011-06-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

My intro to hang gliding class on Saturday was the experience of a lifetime. You are not too old to sprout wings! I'd take a couple of Advil first, however. Carpe diem, Cougars!

M is for Martyr

2011-05-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

This is my quick and dirty on suppression. No I don't mean oppression as in not being allowed to vote or get a formal education. Nor, do I mean repression as in memory inhibition like the unconscious exclusion of painful memories. I mean conscious suppression of your emotions, thoughts, and desires to make the people around you happy. Having suffered the grave consequences of being too truthful in a world that can't handle the truth very well, I've learned to be a bit more tactful in making my needs known. However, scientific studies (that I don't have handy because I'm on my thirty-minute lunch break) have proven that voicing your very human need to be valued is beneficial to your relationship. Like, if your boyfriend called you before 9 pm most days, the conversations would be much more pleasant for both of you.

Listen, you are going to be called a name anyway. Right? I say, be a "B" with a birthday present that you really like, rather than a "M"--for martyr with no gift. Remember the suffragette, Emily Wilding Davison? Of course you don't, bless her brave soul. She died for a good 'cause, but I'm suggesting you live out loud for a good cause. You'll be a better mom, wife, employee, and friend if you simply speak your mind instead of waiting for someone to read it.

The Alphabet of my Exes

2011-04-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Fortunately all my exes DON'T live in Texas 'cause I'm not so good at breaking up. What I do excel at; however, is gaining experiential wisdom from the loves of my life. Some were exceptionally good. Some were simply enlightening. And, all were useful in making me a gently-used-but-better-than-I-used-to-be human...in progress.

A- absence is bad.
B- breathing is an art form.
C- cuddling cures a bad day.
D- unlike a diamond, destiny is fluid.
E- exes don't need a eulogy everyday.
F- forgiveness propels you forward.
G- God is very detail oriented.
H- habit is a poor excuse for cheating.
I- imagination is a great way to travel.
J- real joy lasts beyond the morning after.
K- kindness in a kindred spirit is intoxicating.
L- lies are never little.
M- making good memories doesn't require a passport or money.
N- never is relative.
O- it's over & I'm out might be a gift.
P- choosing peace takes more courage than being "right."
Q- quiet is God's preferred way of elocution.
R- rain is a wonderful shower.
S- supernovas also occur on land.
T- two yellow flags equal stop your pursuit.
U- understanding.
V- vengeance is a waste of mental gasoline.
W- wait, then, wait some more.
X- x-ray vision is seeing a stranger's heart at first sight.
Y- you deserve happiness.
Z- Zen is achieved only when you love yourself enough to let it be.

What's Wrong With Being A Cougar?

2011-03-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

The word “cougar” has traditionally referred to a powerful and graceful member of the Felidae family. Now, the definition has inexplicably changed from "big cat" to “aging sex kitten." This popular tendency to define self-reliant women by their sensuality instead of their success is just wrong.

If you disagree, show me ONE stereotypically unattractive or economically challenged woman who anyone refers to as a Cougar. See what I mean?

Nevertheless, there are more than a few reasons for women to embrace the comparison when the broader attributes of the actual animal are applied. Cougars, also known as mountain lions, pumas, American lions, and panthers, hunt day and night unlike related species who usually hunt in the dark. Cougars are not overly social; they are territorial. The female raises the cubs and teaches them to hunt. She is a cunning, intuitive, stalking predator that makes a distinctive sound when she roars.

What hard working woman of any age cannot relate to a female cougar's life, both personally and professionally?

Let's redefine the term "Cougar" to denote accomplished, vivacious, and unapologetically goal oriented women who are established but far from extinct. Unlike our feline counterparts, human Cougars are not born with these qualities; we are forged. And if younger men, or any men, like the results of our trials by fire, it is merely a pleasant side effect, not the intended result.

Community Engagement & Free Black History Month Program in Austin, Texas

2011-02-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

Cougars understand that "to whom much is given...much is required" or, as I like to say, "You must pay the taxes on your title." After family, community service is my preferred way to pass it forward. Last year, I launched a community service initiative called Austin's Black Newcomers Association (ABNA), in my new hometown, Austin, Texas. The population of African-Americans in Austin has declined from a high of 15% to less than 7% in the past decade. ABNA's mission is to help newcomers quickly become engaged with the community, thus improving their quality of life. We started ABNA with a website portal that gives newcomers a comprehensive list of business resources and civic/cultural organizations at www.austinsblacknewcomers.org. On February 26, 2011, we are hosting the first of many culturally sensitive programs. This free event is a Black History Month Celebration, as well as, our Official Launch. Below is an article about our efforts that ran in Todo Magazine last week!

What are YOU doing to make your city a better place to live? Pay the taxes on your title and reap the dividends of a positive, happy community.

Ref: TODO Austin // FEB 2011 // TODOaustinonline.com p.07
Empowerment Experiment Founder Maggie Anderson to Speak at Black History Month Program

The Austin Black Newcomers Association (ABNA) is an organization which fosters community engagement by providing culturally sensitive programs and a network of supportive relationships for emerging leaders. Additionally, they offer a web directory of local organizations to enhance new Austin residents’ personal and professional lives.

The ABNA will celebrate Black History Month with a free program featuring a keynote speech by Margarita Anderson, co-founder of the Illinois-based Empowerment Experiment (EE). The event’s theme is “Still Dreaming: Sustaining the Black Community with Service and Activism.” The event will be held at the Lady Bird Auditorium at the LBJ Museum and Library on Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 1:00 p.m. Austin City Council Member Sheryl Cole is also scheduled to speak.

ABNA President and Founder Dr. Monica Anderson (no relation) says, “The mission of our organization is to motivate Austin’s new residents to become actively engaged in this vibrant and historic city that welcomes people of all ethnicities. This event is designed to acquaint everyone with our community service initiative and inspire them to get involved because one person or one family can make a difference.”

The title sponsor for the event is The University of Texas at Austin’s Division of Diversity and Community Engagement (DDCE). Maggie Anderson will also give an on-campus lecture to UT students during her tour visit to Austin at the invitation of Professor Juliet Walker. Other major sponsors are IBM and the National Black MBA (Association) Austin Chapter.

The event is free but attendees must register for a ticket online at http://abnaee-esli.eventbrite.com.
For more information about the event or the Austin Black Newcomers Association, please visit http://austinsblacknewcomers.org.

Cougarism of the Day

2011-01-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

Do the people in your inner circle prop you up or tear you down? If they're not constructive, they are destructive. For peace and productivity, surround yourself with positive, encouraging people!

Just Give Up in 2011

2010-12-30T10:50:00.000-08:00

I said it. Make sure you pronounce my name right when you repeat my advice. I prefer moe-nee-ka. Monica says, give up. Throw in the towel. Call it quits. Sayonara, Zetusubou-Sensei. Chunk up them deuces. Yes, dearest, Santa is not coming and for my last blog of 2010, I'm strongly suggesting you stop trying PERIOD.

Yes, give up right now. Why? Why would a mOe-tivational speaker, romance writer, single, southern, can't run fast, cook collard greens, or jump high black woman who has defied every odd placed in her path tell you to give up on your Xena: Warrior Princess-type quest to have that man, succeed at that enterprise, or write that book? Here's why. If three years, 3 loans, and 3 paragraphs haven't culminated in a firm commitment, a profitable quarter, or a full chapter, today is the day to do something, no, make that EVERYthing, differently.

By now, you should have exhausted possibilities to make it work. If you haven't, then, you're the one who is not committed so shut it down; quit wasting time and money. Or, if you keep starting and stopping because of obstacles being hurled at you from every direction like bowling pins, go back and learn to distinguish yellow from red. Yellow means proceed with caution. Everything going wrong, all the time, month after month, year after year means you are not on the right path. Enough with the detours. Don't go there. Quit. Quietly open your mind to the possibility that God is trying to tell you "No." You can't prove Him wrong. Believe me. I've tried.

Revolutionary leader, Simon Bolivar said a lot of jacked up stuff about Jesus that I categorically disagree with, but he also said, "I have plowed the sea." Are you plowing in fertile ground? If so, good luck with that because I truly want you to be successful. And sure, some dreams take years to come true. But if you're painting a masterpiece on cold bath water, drain the tub, Sugah. Don't give in completely, just give up on that particular venture. There is something or someone better for you just around the corner. You can't get to it by stubbornly crossing a bridge to nowhere. That's not brave or smart. It takes much more courage to admit failure and wisely begin again.

Do something completely different? Yes, you can.

Happy New Year, Cougars. Re-new. Re-You!

www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter.com ~ @drmoeanderson
© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Cougarism of the Day

2010-12-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

When your ideas outweigh your energy, don't give up the dream; ask for help from people you trust. Thank God for friends...

Is It Time to Trim The Ends of Your Life?

2010-10-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

When my first son was born, the pediatrician told me to carefully watch his fingernails. Apparently, the color and growth of the nail bed provides clues to a child's development. It's a bad sign if you never need to trim a baby's fingernails. I took that warning to heart and literally measured his nails to the mm every week, charting the results on a graph. By the time little brother came along, I wasn't quite so anal, but I still watched for signs of normal growth.

This concept doesn't just apply to babies, of course. Most growing things need to be reshaped occasionally. Trees need pruning and hair needs trimming to keep them healthy. So how about growing up? Is it possible we need to cut off some old habits, old haunts (hey, it's almost Halloween), or old heartaches that may be hindering our normal growth; our positive progression?

It's hard to move forward, carrying dead weight. And, honey, if it ain't living, it's dead. If he hasn't called in three weeks, the relationship is dead. If you haven't heard back from HR in 3 months, that job prospect is probably dead. Blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Patient doesn't mean paralyzed. Sure, maybe he is stuck in the world's longest traffic jam where there's no phone signal. Well, until he gets out of the twilight zone, you better live. Go to a festival. Go to church. Go to your friend's party and dance with her bushy eye-browed brother. Just move. Often a social investment, no matter how small, leads to personal growth. Cause the truth is when you're longing for something lost, moving before or after work takes all the strength you have. I know.

I also know you can't grow, it you don't trim away the false expectation that something dead is going to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of your past. Cut your losses and count your blessings. As Henry Ford once opined, "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”

Your move, Cougar.

Copyright 2010 Monica F. Anderson
www.drmOeanderson.com

Cougarism of the Day

2010-09-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

The love of your life is not the one who admires your strength, but the one you can trust with your weakness.

www.drmOeanderson.com
© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Quick Change

2010-09-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

I like to watch America's Next Top Model. I don't know why because most of the models are the size of my right leg, but I enjoy the show anyway. A couple of seasons ago they challenged the models to do a "quick (clothes) change" in under three minutes or the runway show went on without them. It was a funny show and a fascinating demonstration of their rather unique skills. However, in your personal or professional life, it's not a good idea to let the show go on without all the members participating. The doubters will drag their feet like Fred Flintstone at a stop sign in Bedrock, causing unnecessary delays in the transition.

Here's a simple formula for "rapid" change that many Cougars have successfully employed, demonstrating both strong and positive leadership.
It is imperative to make sure everyone on the team does these three thing.

1. Recognize the problem
2. Agree on the problem
3. Contribute to the solution.

Rapid change will not occur without the cooperation or buy-in of everyone. Communicating about the challenge and how it effects each individual positively, as well as, negatively is imperative. Call it any new term you like but lose-lose is a big motivator in American culture. Sometimes you need to put as much effort into explaining the problem as the solution. Once, everyone understands the problem and realizes how it will effect them, again,

NEGATIVELY

i.e. no vacation if we don't budget, loss of jobs if we don't get more contracts, then, and only then, proceed to participative decision making about the solution. Rah, rah, let's go team and reach our goal is fine, but my field research has seen better results with "Here's the deal. We might have to shut this puppy down next week and Misty will never get braces for her jacked up front teeth if we don't dig our way out of this cavernous hole."

Give folks time to think about the issues, at least a day, before they offer thoughtful input. That whole "Who's on board right now? Raise your hand..." thing just lets the team know you've already decided what you're going to do. That's autocratic and more effective in times of crisis. Discuss the teams' ideas, even if they're ridiculous. It's the kiss of death to make a team or family member feel you don't respect their opinion. Allow them to share their insight and build consensus before you make the change. Open communication is healthy. It generally leads to agreement and better morale.

Does this work for everything? No. Sometimes dictatorship is in order such as life or death situations (i.e. there really is a fire on the 4th floor!) or federal compliance issues. For long term plans that will result in broad changes; however, be collaborative, patient, and flexible. But, if every little decision your team makes, from the flavor of coffee today to who puts paper in the copier, becomes a battle, consider trying this approach of conflict management. It works. I just used it to convince my arms and legs to join the exercise program my heart and mind devised. You should see us jogging together!

IN-courage yourself Cougars!

Take The Present

2010-08-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'ma be honest. Okay? I don't want to, but lying hasn't worked out real well. Kinda like Usher Raymond, these are my confessions. In the past, I have looked a gift horse in the mouth and told him his breath is stank. Not wise at all, especially when you only have one horse. If you're not familiar with the old idiom "don't look a gift horse in the mouth," it simply means don't question the value of something you got for free.

While this has questionable applications to ceramic statues of unicorns, it is very true when it comes to people. Cougars spend a lot of time alone so their team player skills may be have been sacrificed to leadership development. The fact is you cannot mold grown folks into your image of success. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is too simply receive what others have to offer and make it valuable. For example, the gift of sunshine seems paltry in Florida, but take it to Seattle during rainy season and it's a valuable commodity.

Example number two is my friend, Mike, who is forever late responding to text, emails, calls, and general requests for information. He is as unlike me as two members of a related species can be. In my past life, I would have blown him off like a loose hair on my shoulder because, in mOe's world, chronic lateness is a weakness.

However, having suffered the consequences of expecting everyone to adhere to my timepiece, I've learned to be more patient. And, it never fails, my friend Mike comes through in the most remarkable way with information and support beyond my wildest expectations. For us to work together and remain friends, I must accept that my "on time" is early to him. Do I like it? No. I'm not that enlightened. But the benefits of holding my horse(s) far outweigh the costs of killing the horse(s). Relationships are like tools. My daddy says, "You need the right tool for the job." Mike is not the person for fixing a broken pipe. I need a plumber-type dude for that if you know what I mean. And I'm not the tool to watch water boil, but if you need someone to get the popcorn out of the microwave before it gets cold, I'm ya girl.

All I'm saying is hold your judgment and your temper when things don't go the way you planned and plotted.Just graciously accept the gifts and talents everyone brings into your life. They all have value if you know what to do with them.

Seriously, Smell Something

2010-08-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

You know that saying, "Stop and smell the roses"? I've heard it for years but it's like one of those things your mom tells you, but you don't get it until you're thirty, such as "Compliance is not consent." Anyway, for all these years, I've been planting the roses, fertilizing the roses, watering and pruning the roses. And, yes, I've leaned over for a few seconds on my birthday to inhale the sweet fragrance of a bouquet. But that was it. On a day to day basis, I didn't smell the roses. Heck, I barely took time to see the roses.

Yet, I've learned that engaging the senses when you're stressed, especially the sense of smell, is one of the fastest and cheapest ways to relax your body. It's sort of like biofeedback only it takes a lot less effort in my opinion. First, let's establish that I know stress. I'm a real dentist with over two decades of experience. Yes, an "I hate dentist" real dentist. I'm a single mother of two. I have several side hustles on my eves and weekends annnnnd I could go on but you get the picture and I'm sure your to-do list is even longer.

Well, when I've come to the end of my mental road, I stop, close my eyes, and smell something. Really and truly inhale until I smell something. I realized a few years ago that I don't normally smell anything unless it's very pungent. Think about it? Right now. Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? LOL. Really. Do you smell anything? How is it possible that we walk around all day and smell nothing but perfume and cut grass? There must be dozens of odors around us all the time but we've numbed our senses so those sounds, sights, and odors don't distract us from our work.

Distraction is good sometimes. Stop. Stand still and focus all your energy onto smelling something. Just anything in the air. Don't pick a thing. Just inhale. At first, it may take a few minutes. Eventually, you'll be able to do it in a few seconds. Just don't move until you smell something. I'm always surprised by my discovery: it's the lotion on my hands...the shampoo in someone's hair...the rust on a park bench...rain in the air...usually, something very pleasant.

Immediately, I feel my heart rate and breathing slow. The chaotic thoughts in my mind line up like kindergarten children on a field trip. And I feel free for a moment. It's a mental recess. And it makes those home-work assignments seem just a little easier.

Visit my website at www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter @drmOeanderson

Cougarism of The Day

2010-07-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

An (Americanized) Haiku for Cougars

Bad bank with high fees.
Bad relationship.
Bad, slow hairstylist. Move on.

(No, it's not 5-7-5. It's 5-5-7. I repeat. Move on.)

Lessons from Wonderland

2010-07-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

Some kittens seem to always be in a trap--in the midst of the latest controversy. Sure. Sometimes really bad things happen to really good people but oft times, we invite trouble in before it even knocks. Heck, we text trouble and arrange to meet it after work, occasionally! Don't we?

Take my infamous friend Alice of Wonderland, USA.. It's unanimously agreed her life was a mess of her own choosing. Real quickly, here are three lessons we can learn from her about avoiding "optional" problems.

1. Stay out of dark holes (and dark alleys and dark cars and dark offices.)Seek the light. As I heard Bill Cosby say recently, "If you're not in the picture, you can't be framed."

2. Don't take advice on the direction of your life from cats up a tree, on probation, or in financial ruin unless that's where you want to go.

3. Beware of condescending royal hignesses with overly large heads. If your friend is always compelled to be brutally honest (in their opinion) with you--and they never have anything nice to say--that's not your friend. Friends don't hate on you.

Fact is, what you seek is inside of you, not in the looking glass.

Permission Granted

2010-06-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. I've got great news, Cougars! From the one who made everything, from nothing, in no time flat, ahead of schedule, and under budget comes this universal decree:

We have permission to be human.

This is huge. We can make mistakes and not flail ourselves with spike covered guilt. We may fail miserably and not wallow in shame. We can put all of our right foot in our mouth and chew it to shreds before we realize our words are bitter. Not that we want to--but we can--and we will. We may forget something important occasionally like our best friend's 10-year anniversary of sobriety. We don't intend to forget. It's oh so important to her, therefore, it's important to us. But, in the hustle and bustle of life, we may not glance at our reminders until the next day. Guess what? It happens. We can call still call her and it's quite alright. You still reliving that break up? Did you kick Mr. Pretty Close To Right to the curb for a supremely idiotic reason? If he's really the one, you'll be together again and he'll forgive you when you apologize.

So, dahlin' be late. Be impatient. Be imperfect occasionally. You're not a machine. Accept the wrongness of thinking you will always be right. The human body is 60% water. The brain is a startling 70% water. Go with the flow. To err is human. Accept it. Move on.

Live. Learn. Roar!

Cougarism of The Day

2010-06-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, open a window and keep cooking. You'll get accustomed to it. It's not the room, it's you. No matter where you are, stay focused, stay determined, stay persistent, and never quit stalking abundance! When the fire is inside of you, it's always going to be hot.

What's Your Excuse?

2010-06-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate excuses? Dictionary.com defines an excuse as a plea for release from an obligation or promise. That's why no one likes them. An excuse means a promise was broken. It means somebody didn't do what they said they would do when they said they would do it and now, a day late, they want to talk about why they didn't do it. Cougars want to hear about the "possibility" of the ball being dropped before the actual event. That way we're prepared for ball droppage and have an alternate plan of action.

For example, I'm carpooling to an event, Shabooboo is driving and we have tickets for a play at 7 PM. I want a text at 6:15 pm saying, "I'm stuck in traffic," not a frantically honking horn in my driveway at 7:05 and shouts of "Girl, hurry up. We're late." Yes, I have some ghetto gal pals in my bouquet of friends. But even ghetto gals know what time it is. That's foul off work and it's foul at work.

Here's the thing. We all hate getting excuses from others. Most of us don't relish having to give excuses to others. But what about making excuses to yourself? What promises have you broken to the most important person in your life. Quick! Hold your breath until you pass out. See how important you are to you? If you don't breathe, you die. If you don't thrive, you die emotionally and that may be even worse.

So why don't you exercise? No excuses. Why don't you take that class? No excuses. Why haven't you written that book? No excuses. Why don't you get some rest or have a website? Act like your life depends on it and the universe will open doors you haven't even knocked on. There is a way. Look for it harder. Ask yourself "How can I?" rather than telling yourself, "I can't."

You have choices. When you choose not to do what's in your best interest. You break a promise to yourself. What's your excuse?

www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter.com ~ @drmoeanderson
© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Cougarism of The Day

2010-05-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

The phrase "make it a great day" implies action is required on our part. In order to "have a great day," we must MAKE it a good one. What should you do or not do to make the most of your next 24 hours? Cougars live like hunters, not the hunted.

Cougarism of The Day

2010-05-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

Friendly reminder: The grass is not greener on the other side. Flip it and see. The other side of grass contains dirt and worms. Stay on your side. Persist where you are and prevail where you go Cougars!

www.drmOeanderson.com

Sustainable Living

2010-05-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

Tasha is so gorgeous she can recycle men for money. Yep, it's true. She keeps dating the same guy over and over. Oh, he looks different. He has a different name and a different six-figure occupation. He showers her with expensive presents and exotic trips for the first 90 days of the relationship. Then, it's recycle day and poof he's on to the next pretty young thing. Tasha's a cute shorty so she deletes and repeats. Now, what happens when Tasha is the same age as her hip measurements? Her formal education consists of a Ph.D. in shopping at Nordstroms with someone else's credit card. That's not much of a retirement plan.

We all agree we can't keep polluting and wasting mother nature's abundant gifts the way we have since the dawn of the Industrial Age. But what about you? Are you properly using and recycling your natural gifts? Now, that you've learned to reduce your carbon footprint, how about the footprints on your body? How much non recyclable waste is on your shoulders? Your neck? Your back? Are you living a sustainable life?

For most of us, the term "sustainable" immediately brings to mind the environment and efforts to decrease our insatiable consumption of the earth's natural resources. The term is not only applied to ecology and agriculture, but also to design, business, and development. I suggest you apply the concept to your lifestyle.

Even though we are just emerging from the worst recession since the depression, Kim is still living from paycheck to paycheck. She works in a niche industry where demand is very high for her services so she never worries about layoffs. She has no health insurance, but she's young so she does the urgent care thing when her sinuses get too congested. All it takes is one rear end collision to lay Kim off and knock her out financially. A savings account would sustain her for a few months, but she'll have to find out the hard way.

Nina works 70 hours a week, never works out, and she likes her butter fried. Ellen drag races her muscle car on the highway. Both women could crash any day. Neither is living a sustainable life.

We all make mistakes--lots of 'em. Cougars are into personal growth. We are always trying to improve ourselves and make fewer mistakes. Every evening we review our day to see if our choices can be recycled into something profitable and positive. If not, we ATTEMPT to permanently dispose of the trash. Caution: it takes time to get the junk out of your life, off of your back. Sometimes you think it's not worth the trouble. Just remember, communities that conserve their resources are better places to live.

And Cougars who do likewise live longer...and better.

www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter.com ~ @drmoeanderson
© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Cougarism of The Day

2010-04-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

If you're holding an anchor and it's time to move forward, letting go is not the same as giving up.

www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter.com ~ @drmoeanderson
© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Thou Shall Recognize A Real Man (A Poem)

2010-04-13T17:54:00.000-07:00

If a man is intimidated by your roar or curriculum vitae, he'll ask questions like "What can I do for you that you can't do for yourself?" Don't even bother answering. Only the Wizard of Oz can give a man courage. A real man, young or old, rich or blue-collar will roar back with words like...

I know you have all this and do all that.
I'm proud of you.
But a little after five
During your post-war drive,
When the world stops choking because
You've temporarily released your grip on its throat;
Let me be your safe place to rest.

Feeling strong or feeling weak.
Talking nonstop or--barely speak.
I understand
Even when I don't understand.

If the kids...job..BFF..let you down
I'm your rock that won't drown
In your tears.
I am and will be here.
Just a hug?
Okay. Just a hug today.

When you don't know where to turn or who to trust,
Turn to me first.
Even if you fall in your dreams,
I'll catch your imagination.
I'll authentically celebrate your good news.
You watch the game with me and
I'll watch "The View" with you.

It's all good
As long as we precedes do.
Your people will be my people.
Your children are my children.
Your cat is, uhm, a nice pet and
I'll feed him while you're gone.

This is what I offer you
That credit cards can't buy
Faith, hope, charity.
I'm trusting you and you CAN trust me.
When it's flight or fight and you need a soldier,
I'll make Harm surrender.

You don't have to change for me
I love every
Beautiful, passionate, unpredictable, accomplished, CONFIDENT
Inch-of-you, my Queen.
All the time.
And I'm strong enough
That you don't have to be weak.

© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.
www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter! @drmoeanderson

Cougarism of The Day

2010-04-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

The love of my life is not the one who admires my strength, but the one I can trust with my weakness.

© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.
www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter @drmoeanderson

Designer Labels

2010-04-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

Designer labels on clothing don't necessarily equal higher quality. Higher prices? Yes. Designer labels on people work the same way. They may be deceptive, as well.

People labels are derived from superficial observations like a surname(Windsor), an address (Fifth Avenue), or a degree from a prestigious school (Yale Law). The less elite among us may get an adjective forever stapled to our reputation like a scarlet letter because of a single action. Every girl who ever dug in her stilettos and yelled at injustice knows the label given strong willed women. Let's just say it rhymes with witch.

So what do you do with a label you didn't choose and can't delete? One, you can accept the label and the definition. Say, for example, be a proud gold-digger. Two, accept the label and define yourself. There is no three. You cannot stop others from calling you names. But--what you can stop is believing other people know your future because of your past.

Only you define your present and determine your future. Labels are about your past. The corrective lenses of time and experience should give us better vision and purpose each day. Cougars in the wild don't dwell on past mistakes or others' negative opinions. Neither should you. Mercilessly chase your dreams and let success define you.

© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.
www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter @drmoeanderson

Top Ten Cougar Commandments

2010-04-05T20:28:00.001-07:00

Dr. mOe was interviewed by an Australian magazine about the Cougar phenomenon.

Top Ten Cougar Commandments

View more documents from Monica Anderson.

Forty Is Not The New Thirty

2010-03-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Repeat after me. Two plus two will always be four. And forty is not the new thirty. Years ago, when I assisted my sons with their math homework, they often became upset because I didn’t use the same steps as their teacher to arrive at the same conclusion as their teacher. “Mom, that’s not how you do it!” they protested every frickin’ time. So I’d flip to the back of the workbook and display the answer, “But is it right?” I asked, pointing at the obvious. That’s the problem with new math. It’s simply more complicated steps to reach the same conclusion. For women over 40 who brag they look the same as they did at 20 or 30, I suggest an eye exam. Unless you have the world’s greatest plastic surgeon, no, you don’t, Boo Boo. But that’s okay. You are undoubtedly smarter, wiser, hopefully, wealthier, and, uhm, more skilled at customer satisfaction. Roll with that, girlfriend.

Cougars don’t compete with the past; not theirs or anyone else’s. We don’t need to be thirty again. Been there, done that. It was fun. Now, the challenge is to make the best of 40, 50, and beyond. Don’t waste the opportunities of the present trying to recapture the past. It’s much easier to be in the top 20% of your age group than desperately cat-paddling in the fiftieth percentile of a younger generation.

My objective is to complete me. If I’m whole and I meet the perfect whole (not better half), then, we get twice the fun, not someone who may destroy me if we part. However, if it’s not that deep for you and you just want to date younger men who want to date older women, then embrace your maturity, Dear. You don’t have to blab your age, but if you’re going to fib about it, heck, add ten years. You may look good for 40 but for 50 you look incredible! Wow, what is your secret?

Cougars, the only thing greater than doing you is being you. Capture each moment and eat it raw! It's healthier for your mind, body, and soul.

© 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.
www.drmOeanderson.com
Follow me on Twitter @drmoeanderson

Fear Itself

2010-03-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

In 1933, FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." For that place, and that time, he was right. Nearly eight decades later, the only thing a Cougar should fear is the absence of fear.

What is fear really? It's just an emotion, concern, or anxiety about something unknown. It's not the event or the person. It is our reaction to it. Imagine a life without fear. Without fear of poverty, would you work so hard to be successful in your career? Without fear of obesity, would you exercise and eat weeds disguised as food? Without fear of losing your partner, would you really be monogamous? Fear can be a powerful motivator. In these cases, fear challenges us; spits in our face and dares us to be a better person than we really want to be. We overcome it, rejoice, then find it again a few miles later at the next blind turn in our lives.

Fear can also paralyze us. For example, when it keeps us from leaving a bad relationship, because we think a piece of a man is better than no man. Is that really a good reason not to move on from a bad relationship, a bad job, a bad anything?

When real Cougars are intimidated, they attack first. Defense may win games, but offense is the reason we play. If something or someone has you backed into a corner with no simple way to escape, don't crouch down waiting for the next blow. Use the same fear that got you in that position to get you out. Attack! Fear is an emotion; you CAN decide how you'll react to it. Always remember, you are the Queen of the Jungle.

Act like it.

Single Task It

2010-01-29T08:58:00.000-08:00

Are 14 projects or household chores in progress really better than two or (gasp) one thing completed and removed from that to-do list that's harder to finish off than Jason Voorhees the slow of foot hockey mask-wearing, machete wielding, mass murderer from the Halloween movies?

Oh we do love technology. The Internet. Smart Phones. Mini laptops. HDTV with 1,000 channels and Ipods with podcasts. GPS personal navigation systems to help us travel efficiently. Satellite radio and video conferencing. Now, you can work all over the world, 24/7 even if you're driving in rush hour traffic. Yes, we can.

But should we? Cougars isn't it time to slow down and finish one thing, just one thing, before we move to the next? Yes, it sounds unrealistic and, for long-term, frankly, it is. But, endurance runners don't sprint the entire race. Their bodies can't handle the stress. As executives, mothers, partners...we can't sprint all day, everyday. Our bodies can't handle the stress either.

Expand your definition of rest to include times when you don't work so fast or hard. Sometimes that's as close to a nap as most of us can get. Try doing just one thing or cleaning one room instead of washing and cooking and checking email and uploading photos from the birthday party for your sister in Australia while you dust the big screen television for the bible study's group viewing of "Passion of the Christ." Just do one thing. Can you?

Save your personal energy before you burn out. You ever notice how much time Cougars spend just lying around? Take a hint or take a hike.

Just DON'T do it (sometimes.) LOL.

Don't Be Tardy For The Party

2010-01-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

The holidays are come and gone, but the memories linger. Are they good memories? I don't mean yours. I mean for the people around you, particularly your colleagues. Cultivating your image doesn't end after the first impression. Cougars know they are always working. It doesn't matter if you're at lunch with your work BFF, at the boss' house for the annual Christmas party, or at Happy Hour with your cubicle buddies, the real party doesn't start until you leave. Too many careers have been ruined by Jose and Ciroc. Whether you know it or not, everything you say and do around your fellow employees is being monitored as if you are a personal threat to our nation. That innocent flirtation or off-color joke could literally mean the difference between your next promotion or layoff. It won't be the stated reason, of course, but it will be the reason. It's not your world--yet. Keep your attire and behavior professional at all times. It doesn't matter what Emily and Lu Boo are planning to wear. Do you right and win at the game of office politics. (This philosophy also applies to potential in-laws, by the way.)

Just remember there are 168 hours in every week. Even if you work 68 of those hours, that leaves 100 hours to wear your sequined halter and glass slippers AFTER you get off. (And do not put those pictures on Myspace and FB.) So my cougars, if the office party starts at 8, arrive early and leave sober. Don't give 'em nothing to talk about!

Copy 2010. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Know Your (Personal) Click Through Rate

2009-12-10T15:53:00.000-08:00

It's lonely at the top. Actually,it's lonely at the bottom, too, but, for purposes of this blog, let's stay on top. Even powerful, successful people occasionally experience feelings of isolation. They think no one cares about their welfare only what they can do or what they possess. When you find that you're spending more time with your virtual associates on Facebook/Linkedin/Myspace than real people, it's time to analyze your "click through rate" (CTR).

Online, CTR is the way to measure the success of your marketing efforts. It's derived by dividing the numer of users who click on a link in a web page by the number of times the webpage was viewed or "impressions." For example, if a website is viewed 1,000 times and a hundred people click on a link to download a related e-book, the CTR is 10/1000 or 1%.

As professionals, we are always marketing something: a service, a product, or ourselves. If you give a half-way decent seminar to fifty people, it's reasonable to expect at least one of them to approach you with a question or comment following the presentation. That's a CTR of 5/50 or 10%.

Now, let's extend that formula to our personal lives. What if we meet 20 people at a cocktail party/networking event and exchange business cards with all 20 of them? If no one emails or calls you later, your CTR is zilch, nada, squat diddly....So, that's no big deal. People are busy and you may not follow up either. Right? Yes, that's right sometimes. But if it's right all the time. You have a problem.

The problem is that the impression you give when people first view you is not compelling. They have no desire to use the "link" (i.e. your business card or website) and learn more about you. If no one at work ever invites you to lunch or happy hour, and no one at church ever invites you to brunch, and no one in your professional association ever expresses an interest in getting to know you better--face the facts Boo, you need a redesign. Your social capital is sadly devalued.

Hire a life coach if you like, but it's not that hard to make yourself more appealing. First, accept that we all have room for improvement. The top reasons people don't care if they ever see you again are: too loud, arrogant, and self-absorbed. If you're old enough to call yourself a Cougar, you know what's wrong with you. You've heard it over and over from angry relatives and concerned employers. Listen, it's okay to be less of you. It's okay to let someone finish their sentence even if you know the end of it already. It's okay to make eye contact with the admin instead of looking around for someone more important. It's okay to display concern about others' welfare. That doesn't make you weak; it makes you human.

Plain and simple, the people we want to be around are people who make us feel loved, needed, and necessary. If you really want to improve your CTR, be compassionate, listen with your heart, and learn to say "I'm sorry." Lastly, don't turn down any invitations from your new friends for one month. That's it. Now, go play!

Copyright 2009. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Acknowledge The Pain

2009-12-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

Pain comes gently rapping against the chamber doors of your heart. It is polite and patient if you acknowledge it. If you don't acknowledge, or worse, you ignore it, it kicks the door in.

Sometimes you meet a guy who seems so perfect except for that thing--that indescribable pin prick you can't articulate. You just know.

Rachel met James at work. He was new to the city and new to the company. Everyone loved him. He was smart, articulate, well dressed, and on the fast track. He met every qualification on Rachel's list, including no children. Still, there was something. Something with no shape or form, just a yellow light on her emotional dashboard and it wasn't the rising sun. With a push from her colleagues, Rachel ignored her instinct and became involved with Mr. Wonderful. Six months later, Rachel's credit was so bad that she couldn't pay attention. She had restraining orders against both of James' ex-wives, Shaniqua and Bambi, and that investment he talked her into turned out to be a scam. Too late, Rachel also learned that James left his previous company after allegations of embezzlement forced him to resign. Rachel now wishes she'd listened to her head. Cougars know love is free but a simple background check will cost you about $20.00.

Don't let that pin prick become a knife in your heart if you can help it. Never ignore your instinct at work, at home,or at all.

Copyright 2009. Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Thou Shall Not Quit

2009-11-04T19:49:00.000-08:00

Don't quit. Just do it! This too shall pass. It doesn't matter which letters of the alphabet you choose to spell the message. The bottom line is Thou Shall Not Quit. Cougars don't give up. Yes, we let go of things we don't need like anchors in a swimming pool or people who drain you of ideas or energy. Then, we keep moving forward.

When in doubt, look at the history of all the amazing women who have overcome seemingly insurmountable odds to become Prime Minister or Secretary of State or literate in a country where women were forbidden to attend school. If that doesn't work, look at your personal history. Remember the victories small and great. Despite the pain between the gains, you survived. All those tears dried. The late nights turned into bright mornings. The relationships were either restored or permanently destroyed and you formed new ones. Your shattered heart didn't need all the king's horses or all the king's men to put it back together. It healed. It may never be the same, but it healed and it works or you wouldn't be reading this blog. So carry on. Don't quit dreaming and most definitely don't quit loving. If you close your heart, make it temporary--for reconstruction. Then, love and live again.

Copyright 2009 Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Thou Shall Take The Compliment

2009-10-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

He says: "Wow, you look hot in that dress today."
She replies: "This rag? No. Stop it. This thing is older than you and I need to throw it away and I need to lose weight so it will fit better and I'll never be Halle Berry and..."

Stop. Hammertime. Cougars know how to take a compliment. Just say thank you. There is nothing wrong with positive feedback. Everyone needs to feel valued and respected if not admired. Stop deflecting compliments or devaluing them with a laundry list of your faults. How often do you get compliments anyway? Are you getting so many that you've had enough for a lifetime? I doubt it. Plus, if you keep returning the compliments like bad Christmas gifts, after a while, you don't get any more.

Now, I'm not advocating being a praise hoe (you know what I mean adults.) A praise hoe is so eager to please and have everyone think highly of her that her self-esteem fluctuates more than the stock market. She solicits compliments by constantly asking "What do you think?" or "Do you like it?"

Self-esteem derives from the word "self" as in knowing your intrinsic worth so haters can't mark down your self-confidence and put it on sale. When you're clear on what you are and what you are not, a little verbal appreciation simply confirms what you already know. Respond confidently and concisely with two words. "Thank you."

Now, smile and swish your tail as you walk away Cougar style.

Copyright 2009 Monica F. Anderson. All rights reserved.
http://www.drmoeanderson.com/

Thou Shall Do You

2009-10-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

Like the animal, human cougars of the middle ages share physical similarities, but it's just as unwise to make assumptions about us as it is about the big cat. In fact, our uniqueness is one of the best qualities we share. We don't wake up every morning trying to fit in. We spend every moment trying to stand out. Here's the rule of thumb. When in doubt, do you. Be authentic. Being anything less than real is a crime time won't forgive. Cougars are beautiful from the inside--out. Yes, we stalk our goals and kill relationships with people who want a free ride on our backs. That's how you survive in the corporate jungle. But the closest we come to imitation is taking a good thing and making it better.

Warning: kittens who aspire to Cougardom should never be hopelessly out of sync, uhm, say--wearing mocassins to a formal dinner. Then, people will think you're just a nut. But if you know everyone is going to wear black to the dinner just because. Because what? It's tradition? It's the law? Well, a legit Cougar might wear yellow just because she looks better in yellow than black. Cougars do what they like, how they like. As long as you're doing no harm and it feels good, then, it's all good.

So you’re not billionaire mogul Oprah or superstar corporate executive Cathie Black or your perfect cousin who cured her kid's asthma with Vick's Vapor Rub. That’s fine. They have their own destinies. They're doing what they were created to do. Your mission must always be to make the most of your talents. If you suck at addition and subtraction, you will never be Dean of the math department at the local university. But, if you can use a calculator or the Excel program on your computer, you can still get that spreadsheet done and turned in on time. Quit worrying about what you can't do or can't be. Do you. Do the best, most incredible and phenomenal you imaginable!

Copyright 2009 Monica F. Anderson. All Rights Reserved.